Yesterday my husband and I went for a two mile run. The temperature was in the low 80’s, it was humid and a light drizzle fell. I thought it felt like a tepid sauna. I was determined to give this short run all my energy and see if I could break through a wall I’ve hit recently. Unfortunately, I had no luck.
Last year around this time, I discovered the “chi” posture in running. I started running using the posture as much as I could. It takes a little more effort and although it cut a minute off my 10 minute mile, I had to build up to do it and could only run a mile in that posture. I wanted to do more! I wanted to do 5K in 27 minutes. How awesome would that be? I love finishing in first half of 5K race! With a 9 minute mile, I could finish in the top half quite a bit!
Things happen. Poopoo occurs. The hypochondria kept nagging me, at times knocking me out of exercise completely. I tried everything to get past it and finally, when the hypochondria kept me from working, I went to the doctor.
After just one test, the problem was found. I know WHAT is wrong and that helps me mentally, but it has knocked me backwards in my exercise and physical activity. I know the doc doesn’t want me to run but he would not come out and tell me to stop. He said being out of shape and overweight would be worse on my back than running. He advised me not to increase the number of days I run each week and not to increase my miles.
Ok, fine. My goal of running a 10K is no longer a goal.
So why have I gone from a 9 minute mile to a 12.5 minute mile? That is all I can do. I track my running and for the past 8 weeks, all I can manage is 12.5 minute miles whatever my distance.
My glass is always half full, no matter what, so I don’t berate myself and kick my own ass over this decline in abilities. I do believe I can get better if I just work at it. I believe if I lost a few pounds, it would be easier to run. I have a BMI that the internet says is the high end of “normal” so I know I can lose a few pounds and still be normal. There’s no worry about me ever being underweight, I love chocolate and BBQ tater chips too much for that.
I need to push myself more. I get a little winded on the route and I walk for a minute or two. See, not only do I have the issue with my back, my hypochondria is more involved. I am anemic. So I have a good excuse to walk, my cells aren’t getting enough oxygen. Don’t forget the arthritis in my feet.
So I have all these medical reasons for not running a 9 mile mile, hell, I’ve got enough doctor’s notes to file for disability and take to the bed.
I really want to get back to where I was last year. But part of me knows that if I don’t, I have to accept the 12.5 minute mile and be thankful I can even do that. I really don’t want to accept it, but I may have to.
I think every aspect of running is like life in general. There are things in our lives that we enjoy, that we want, that mean a lot to us. But what if something happens to take that away or diminish it? You can beat yourself up over it, bang your head against the wall to change it or accept it and be happy.
There are some that would argue we should never accept less, we shouldn’t settle, we should never be complacent. I’m not doing any of those things. I want to do better, but the fact is s you can’t “think positive” your way out of the absolutes in life. I have friends who have been happily married and then blindsided with a divorce. What then? Do your best to make it work, but if it doesn’t, accept it and move on. What about losing your job? You have a job you love, coworkers you adore and boom! You’re laid off. You have to move forward, but you have to accept your loss.
I’m not really happy about that 12.5 minute mile. I don’t want to accept it and by George I’ll do my best to do better. But there are things worse than a 12.5 minute mile that I am not facing right now and for that, I’ll be happy. If I must, I will accept my 12.5 minute mile and just be happy I finished the 5K, no matter what half I’m in. After all, I still have my glass and it is always AT LEAST half full.
Tags: hypochondria, Musings, Running
