Dear Northwest Airlines,
After years of a tumultuous relationship, we have learned that even though we sometimes hurt each other for no reason, we do need each other. It is that need, you for my money and me for your transportation, that we have stuck together through thick and thin.
You’ve always had the upper hand, you know that, Northwest. I have been at your mercy. You have a permanent authorization on my Amercian Express Gold Card. You have me by the purse. You have run off many suitors I might pursue by hogging all the gates in Terminal B at the Memphis airport. With you taking up all the space, no one else could easily get in. You had me captive and you know it.
I’ve overlooked so many of your mistreatments. When I have the really bad experiences in our interactions, I look for others to blame, like Infrequent Flyers or Barney Fife TSA agents. Even though I know deep down that YOU are responsible for so many of my air travel misfortunes, my loyalty to you forced me to look for others to blame.
I realized last month that it was over between us. I am disappointed that after all the years you called me your Platinum Elite Best Flyer, that you couldn’t even call me to tell me in person that we were done. No, you took the passive agressive hurtful coward’s way out of breaking up with me. You know how I found out don’t you, you spineless ass? I tried to check a bag and was told I had to pay.
What? We had a deal, Northwest! I was your Platinum Elite Best Flyer! I do not pay for checked bags! I was shocked when the gate agent told me to pony up $15! Surely this was a mistake! She pulled up my records and broke the news to me, my heart sank. I am off your elite list, Northwest. You ditched me, you threw away the past 14 years of our relationship. You said, through the gate agent, that I was no longer good enough for you.
How devastating for me to find out this way! I looked painfully into the gate agent’s eyes, she could see my distress and she had pity on me. She waived the fee that day to make me feel better but told me we were done.
I spent that flight to Omaha contemplating all we’ve been through, Northwest. I can’t believe you dumped me like that. I told you I was willing to stick with you through your merger with Delta. I did not approve of this merger and I tried to talk you out of it, but you would not listen. I was still by your side, using only nwa.com for my reservations and giving you that freedom to charge my AmEx card at your whim.
And this is how you thank me.
I got past it, Northwest. I reconciled in my mind that we were over, but we should remain cordial to each other. After all, we still had confirmed plans together and we need to get along so that we both remain professional and unemotional about this break up.
So, why Northwest, do you continue to treat me like shit?
I can no longer check in on line. You tell me in your nasty internet messages “itinerary not found.” Why, Northwest?
I tried to check in at your counter and you rebuff me, sending me along to Delta as you no longer wish to deal with me. What have I done to deserve this, Northwest?
Apparently you have trashed talked me to Delta. Why? You send me to Delta for check in at the airport and then you purposefully don’t tell them I’m coming. They can’t find my reservations. You have punished me enough!
What used to take 5 minutes is now a battle of 30 minutes in getting checked in. And you know this, and you know this is just pouring salt into the wound: my seat assignments are in the back of plane, next to the lavratory where I get to look at and sniff every ass that passes me going to the toilet. Why, Northwest?
You could made this easier. You could have told Delta of my million miles with you, of my Platinum Elite Best Flyer status, of my preference for aisle seats in the front of the plane, but no. You have chosen not just to break up with me, but make my life hard.
Northwest, I hate you. You are shitty. I am glad you are going away and will be eaten by Delta. Go ahead, trash talk me! Destroy my confirmed tickets! I don’t care! I will rise above your pettiness. I will build a new relationship, find a new partner and move on. My life will be better without you in it.
I am moving on. Although my reputation is shot with Delta, thanks to that creep, Northwest, Southwest wants me. They have asked me to join them. I will come out on top.
