Work Hurts

“You are married to this job, Donlyn, you need to step back and get some perspective.”  I barely heard the board member’s compassion as she tried to help me understand why I was being let go.   That was 1993 and I was completely blindsided by my dismissal as the executive director of a non-profit agency.  In my four years at the agency, I took the budget from  $100,000 year to $400,000.  Under my tenacity and leadership, we expanded from a 3 county service area with one facility to a 9 county service area with 3 fully funded facilities.

My position and my work in the cities and towns the agency served was high profile.  I was well known, my speaking calendar was full, I was called for commentary any time a story pertaining to my field was in the news.  How could I be dimissed, *poof* with no warning? I was devastated.

The board sent 3 members, the “personnel posse” to break the news.  I was in my office on a sunny February day.  When I saw the board members come in the front office, I was pleasantly surprised.  Board members seldom took an interest in the day to day operations of our agency.  But I soon picked up  that this was not to be a pleasant visit.

No reason was given. I was told I was no longer needed.  I knew that was not true at that particular moment as our state and federal audit was scheduled in the next 2 weeks and our United Way grant application was due in a month.  With that information, I pointed out that they did, in fact, need me at least another 6 weeks.  Of course I asked why.  I got no answer other than I was no longer needed.

I sensed that the 3 women sent to do this deed were not comfortable or happy about what they were doing.  They were just messengers.  It took a while – maybe 30 minutes – for me to shut up and let it sink in.  Yes, I was crying. One of the personnel posse  stayed in the outer office as I packed up my personal belongings.  It took several trips from the office to my car to get everything loaded.  Since we were a non profit, I brought many personal items to use in my office to save precious dollars of the agency’s money.  My typewriter, the coffee pot and small microwave, a side table, and other items had to go with me.

Being devastated is not a good emotion to carry with you into a new job hunt.  The financial position of my family  was in the desperate, barely making it paycheck to paycheck realm.  I could not afford to go without a paycheck for long.  Unemployment benefits were a very small help,  not enough to replace my paycheck.  In my confusion and distressed emotional condition, I had to put on the big girl panties and a smile and go find a job.  Fast.

When someone close to you dies, you are encouraged to give yourself time to grieve.  Most widows aren’t dating the day after their husband’s funeral.  Well, OK, some are, but they were probably dating before his funeral as well.  When someone gets divorced, they are encouraged to wait a respectable period of time before they date again.

I’m not a psychologist, although I love to hand out assvice, but I’m thinking primary relationships we all have are families, jobs and social groups we belong to.  My job loss felt like a divorce.  I was trying to figure out what happened but yet I had to move on quickly.  There was no time for reflection or wondering what I would do next.  I had to get going.  To me it was like trying to find a new husband in 2 weeks.  Although I have friends who have actually accomplished that feat, I wasn’t up to it.

It took 5 weeks  to find my next job.  I took a 20% pay cut, but I was offered medical insurance. I went from a high profile executive director, well known in 9 counties, to an administrative assistant for a VP.  I was not  embarrassed with my backwards move on the career path.  Reality was reality.  I HAD to have a job and I took the best thing offered to me.

My self esteem took a savage beating in my firing.  I painted a smile on my face every day I walked into that office but on the inside I was holding back tears.  I was trying to make new friends but it was hard. I had no confidence, I was emotionally distressed and most of the women in my office were single and sophisticated.  I had two kids at home and my husband at the time was a farmer.  They got off work and went to sunset  parties, I went home and busted clods with a breaking plow.

I spent a lot of time observing my new coworkers.  I realized I did not have the right clothes.  I did not have $10 a day to go out to lunch.  I didn’t get to socialize with them during the week or weekends for that matter.  They seemed to be a close bunch, but welcoming at the same time.

Just 3 weeks after I started working there, it was my 33rd birthday.  No one knew and I didn’t tell anyone.  I was still struggling inside and out with all I had experienced in the past couple of months.  Birthdays are reflective times and I was reflecting hard.  My marriage was shit, my husband was shit, I had worked my way up and I was knocked down so fast and without warning.  I was in a job I had to have but couldn’t bond with.  It was my birthday, I was 33 and life was too short to be this miserable.  I was sad about where I was and I didn’t see how I would ever get beyond the gloom and doom that had become my life.

Then the worst thing that could possibly happen happened.  The receptionist was coming toward my desk with roses and a big smile.  At first the site of the roses perked me up.  I thought nice things of my shit husband and considered if he sent those, he would move up a few notches on my list.  He had not acknowledged my birthday that morning,  there had been no happy birthday call from him and it was 2 pm.

I looked at the card and felt disappointment again.  The roses were from my mother.  OK, let’s give my mom points for trying to cheer me up, but I didn’t feel appreciative on that day.  All of the sudden everyone in the office knew it was my birthday and I did not want that attention.  I wanted to blend into the cube walls, I didn’t fit in, I didn’t want any attention.  I had to go to the bathroom and fight to stop the tears.  I could have made it OK if those stupid roses had not arrived!

I tried to stay busy and acknowledge the random birthday wishes with a smile.  I was fighting harder to hold back the tears of sadness and frustration.

Just before 3 pm,I was asked me to come to the conference room.  I walked in with my notebook and there they all were…my new coworkers.  They had a birthday cake and balloons for me.  Yes, I cried.  That day started a change in me.

It took a lot of encouragement from my new coworkers.  It took my manager telling me to be the confident, poised woman he interviewed again, It took being handed responsibility and told “I know you can do this” and it took months, but I finally got my confidence back.  I found out that summer why I was fired from the non profit agency.  It was a politically motivated move on the part of an attorney on the board who had aspirations to be elected judge.  She needed the right people on her side and part of that was helping the right people get the right jobs.  I was not the only victim of her politically motivated shake ups in the community.  I laughed when she was defeated in that election in the fall.

I got to know my new coworkers and I am still friends with many of them, although it has been years since we all worked together.  As I became myself at work, I accomplished many things.  I was employee of the year for our division in my second year.  I was promoted to VP right after my four year anniversary with the company.  I continued to move up in my career.  When I left after 12 years with the company, I was an SVP.  Mycompensation the last year I worked there was 10 times my starting salary.  And along the way, I divorced the shit husband and sent my mom flowers on her birthday.

When I think back on being fired that first time, it was devastating.  It beat my self esteem to a pulp.  I felt hopeless for a while, driven forward only by my need to survive.  Going back to work in a job that was so far beneath what I had done and excelled in was hard.  I didn’t fit in, I was scared, I needed to work and although I wanted better for myself, I was damned grateful for what I had.  It was one of the top 10 most stressful times of my life.

But getting fired was the single best thing that ever happened to me in my career.  And I am not afraid for it to happen again.