Mergers and Such

I have my own stuff to take up the space in my head, I don’t get all bent out of shape about the corporate giants and politics. That’s not to say I don’t care about stuff outside my front door, I just don’t get bothered by it as generally, there is nothing I can do any way.

I can gripe and bitch about the price of gas and big oil companies with profits, but honestly? I can control my consumption of high priced gas by buying the cheap gas at Walmart and trying not to go so many places, but there is nothing I can do about the big oil companies, so I just don’t bother. Politics? I don’t go there.

I am annoyed right now at Stride Rite, the children’s shoe company, and I guess I could spend a lot of time and energy fighting with them, but it’s not worth it to me. My issue with them is that I bought 2 gift cards for $50 each from their store in Memphis. When you buy a gift card from a national or regional retailer, don’t you expect it to work at all their locations? HA! You’re a fool then!

There was no sign on the gift card display that warned me the gift cards only worked at THAT location. I bought the cards and gave them to my grandchildren who do not live near Memphis, they live near another city with a Stride Rite store. The other store would not honor the cards and the Memphis store will not refund my money. So I am stuck with $100 of Stride Rite gift cards I can’t really use unless I go to a lot of trouble which includes long car trips with 2 toddlers in an SUV that gets 18 mpg. I could initiate a charge back through my debit card issuer, but that involves an investment of my time and energy. I’m not even wasting the energy trying to decide what to do, I’m just sitting on it for now.

So even with $100 invested, I don’t care about Stride Rite right now other than passing along this story and saying to all of you: Don’t do business with Stride Rite. They’re assholes and tricksters.

But there is something I am all worked up and excited about in the corporate world. That is the merger between Delta and Northwest Airlines. The actual merger doesn’t bother me even though I will be affected. I am a Northwest Gold Elite Kryptonite Princess Platinum Silver Granite Crude Oil Frequent Flyer. I like direct flights when I can get them and with Northwest’s hub in Memphis, it makes flying a little easier.

I understand the economics behind the merger. I am not opposed to it, and if it weren’t this one tiny thing, I wouldn’t care one way or another. I’ll still fly and maybe I’ll get direct flights and maybe I won’t, but it is part of my job and I’ll just do it.

I have a dog in the fight on this merger. That dog is Pinnacle Airlines. Pinnacle is a regional airline for Northwest, and who knows, maybe other major carriers. Pinnacle operates many of the regional NW flights I fly on a regular basis so I have flown on hundreds of Pinnacle flights.

Pinnacle flies the small regional jets. However, those itty bitty planes are hard to avoid when flying to smaller airports, so I can’t hold that against them even though I don’t like the small planes.

In the last year when booking my flights, I take my time in researching options to make sure I can avoid Pinnacle flights, no matter what the cost or where I have to fly. I can’t always avoid Pinnacle, but by George, I try hard. My hope in the Delta Northwest merger is that Pinnacle Airlines will go away and I will not have to go out of my to avoid their flights.

Since you all know what a laid back tolerant flyer I am not you are probably shocked that I would have such a strong opinion against Pinnacle Airlines. What’s up with that?

Most airlines are about the same. A flyer is going to be delayed, have lost luggage, get ground stopped, rude gate agents, gestapo flight attendants, cancelled flights, bad service, annoying seat mates, etc no matter which airline he/she is on. Those are the facts of flying. TSA rules are going to be enforced differently at every security checkpoint. Don’t try to pretend they are not. The metal detectors are set differently as I wear the SAME clothes and the SAME jewelry just about every time I travel. Most of the time I go right through the metal detectors and at some airports I don’t. The only thing different is the metal detector.

So for me to notice that one particular airline is REALLY and CONSISTENTLY bad means this airline has beat me over the head with how bad they are on a consistent basis. Most of the time I can’t tell you what state I was in last week, much less what airline I flew to get there, but I can tell you in detail about my last 5 Pinnacle flights because they are bad enough to be burned in my memory.

It wasn’t turbulence, delays or cancellations. It was the rudeness of their staff. Consistent rudeness from various flight attendants and gate agents. There was the flight where I heard the pilot and copilot laughing in the cockpit after we landed. The cockpit door opened. I was standing in the aisle ready to deplane. I saw one of the men in the cockpit pass a men’s magazine opened to the centerfold to the other. Laughing. As a passenger, I am just so thrilled to know my life is the hands of men flying the plane at 30,000 feet going 550 mph while enjoying porn.

There was the sudden enforcement of the “one bag” on regional jets. I realize that is an FAA rule, not a Pinnacle rule. On every other airline I fly, when on a regional jet, I obey the one bag rule. I remove my laptop computer (company policy) and valet check my briefcase. This leaves me with a medium sized purse (my one bag) and my laptop in my arms like a book. This is not a problem on any other airline I fly. Just Pinnacle.

This first time this was enforced, I was blindsided. I can’t gate check my purse. I’m not supposed to check my laptop. I work for a company with very strict rules about laptops. The gate agent let me pass but the flight attendant would not let me on the plane with my laptop in my arms. I stood in the gate wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. I saw people getting on the plane with their “one bag” while carrying bags of fast food and a drink. I considered pulling a fast food bag out of the trash, sticking my purse in it and getting on board. I saw people getting on with one bag and a newspaper. I considered grabbing an old newspaper and wrapping my laptop in it.

Why couldn’t I get on with my laptop and purse? I approached the flight attendant again and asked her what she suggested and she flatly and rudely told me to step aside and “get myself organized.” What a bitch.

I stretched my purse straps out as far as they would go and jammed my laptop between the straps. It was not IN my purse, it was between the straps, but that was enough to get me on the plane, where I immediately removed it and carried it in my arms. The flight attendant was rude to everyone for the rest of the flight, which I noticed moreso than normal because she was so rude to me while boarding.

Since I figured out Pinnacle’s rule, I change from my medium purse to a large travel bag when I am forced to take a Pinnacle flight now. This seems absurd to me because my large travel bag takes up more space that my medium purse and my laptop. I have witnessed so much rudeness from Pinnacle staff. I like they way insist the “one bag rule” is not THEIR rule, it is TSA’s rule and they are just enforcing it. I’m wondering how every other airline that flies regional jets is not completely shut down and on trial by the TSA since Pinnacle seems to be the ONLY regional carrier enforcing this rule and not allowing people to carry a laptop in their arms onto a plane.

Since I know almost every Pinnacle flight attendant is rude, I avoid all interaction so that I am not a victim, however, I see the rudeness to the other passengers. Since this seems to be the norm on all Pinnacle flights, it is a company issue, not the case of one or two disgruntled employees.

I have concluded that to work at Pinnacle, you must be fired from another airline for rudeness and treating your paying customers like shit as that seems to be the culture of the airline. I avoid Pinnacle like the plague.

So the thought of a Delta-Northwest merger is interesting to me as rumor has it that may eliminate the need for Pinnacle airlines. When that happens, perhaps I will believe that jingle about the friendly skies again. In the meantime, you can find me flying to Charlotte on US Air regional carriers or to Atlanta on Delta connectors. I will not pay people to treat me like shit.

Alive, Well and Proud

Last night was the dreaded 5K in the heat.

All afternoon yesterday, I ran through all the good reasons I could not run last night.  The first on my list was economic.  The 5K event was an hour away.  Think of how much gas that would take!  I can’t afford a 140 mile round trip for a run!  Good grief, I can run on my street for free.

Second, the time involved.  An hour drive down, parking in downtown (another economic issue) finding the place, hanging out for at least 45 minutes before it starts, then the post race festivities and the long drive back.  That would take at least 5 hours to finish and I could just as easily run on my street and be done in less than an hour.

The third good reason was safety.  The race was in downtown Memphis, TN, which is rated as one of the highest in violent crimes in the US.  Hell, I might be shot getting out my car in the parking garage!  I don’t go to downtown Memphis alone, ever.  Too risky.

The fourth reason was my health.  I get up at 4:30 am on Fridays for a breakfast meeting.  I am usually very tired by 8 pm on Friday nights.  I was tired in the afternoon and thought it was stupid to consider staying up so late and I’d be so tired after the run and I’d still have that long drive home.  I was just too tired to do it.

The fifth reason was the Memphis reported its first heat related death of the year yesterday.  A 48 year old woman told her friend she was hot and the she just died.  YIKES!  I’m 48!  I get hot!  OK, I know this particular woman was morbidly obese, had diabetes and other health related problems plus she had serious heart disease, but still.  She was my age.

All afternoon I tried to talk myself out of going to the 5K.  I had reasons.  But then I thought about THE REAL REASON I didn’t want to go.  It was the fear of the heat.  I know it is not 100% rational.  I have to get past this fear, I refused to let this fear dictate my life.  Yes, it would cost a lot – the gas money, the parking, the time – but those costs were cheap compared to the therapy I might need in the future to get over this fear.  There would be a time investment, which is nothing compared to the time I’d spend on Dr. Phil’s couch.

I made myself go.  I put on my favorite upbeat country music CD (Confederate Railroad) and rolled the windows down and drove.

When I arrived in downtown Memphis, sure enough, parking was hassle, but I did it.  The race started at the fabulous Gibson Guitar Factory right behind the ever-lively Beale Street (Memphis’s version of Bourbon Street).  I was in awe of the number of runners!  As I looked around at the diverse crowd, I was proud to be there.  I am part of an elite group, we take exercise seriously and we put on our running shoes and WE RUN.  Whether we’re built to do it or not.

I walked with crowds of runners warming up.  My pride swelled.  I CAN do this!  And I also counted the number of ambulances and medical personnel on the scene.  That helped.  I hung close to a group as we all went through pre-race stretches.

The start line was at the top of Beale Street.  It was crowded, and when we started it was difficult to get going as there were so many people trying to GO.  As we ran down Beale Street, music blasted from the clubs and street bands, Beale Street partygoers cheered us on.  We ran all the way down Beale Street, past Coyote Ugly where burly bouncers shouted for us to come by after the race for a free beer.  Right!  Do you know what we are going to SMELL like when we are done?  Coyotes smell better.

After we left Beale Street, we wound around streets passing abandoned buildings and warehouses, not a street you would want to lost on if you were alone.  I was holding back, as I always do when I race.  There is a different adrenaline rush in a race.  Many runners don’t realize this, especially new runners.  You are PUMPED so you start out FAST and fizzle out before you finish.  I have learned to make myself run slow the first half of the race.

I typically run a 10 minute mile.  I passed the 1 mile mark at 10 minutes, 13 seconds, so I was doing well.  Except I was getting very hot and very scared.  I debated myself.  What should I do?  Suck it up and keep running and hyperventilate from fear or drop dead from heat stroke or should I just take it slow, listen to my body and do what I needed to do to be comfortable, yet challenged.

At 13 minutes, I stopped running.  I timed myself and ran my intervals, 2 minutes of running and 1 minute of walking.  I stopped at the second water station at the half way point, not for a drink, but to pour a cup of water on the back of my neck. I kept running intervals.  The problem I experience with intervals is stress incontinence, which my husband thinks is the most hysterical thing since flicking boogers.  When I stop and start, I experience the kind of stress incontinence that should require adult diapers.  But I don’t care.  I refuse to use that an excuse to not run.  I’ve dealt with it for 14 years of running and I don’t care.  I have a washer, I can wash my shorts.  And my socks and even my shoes when necessary.

I was dripping wet with sweat and other things.  Thank goodness everyone was sweating in the 97 degree heat index so my *ahem* accidents were not noticeable.

A side note about stress incontinence…what a great motivator!  If I don’t stop and start running, I don’t have a problem.  Sometimes the fact that I will piss in my pants is the motivation to keep running and not walk.  When life gives you lemons (or a bad bladder)….

I knew the last mile of the course would be the best.  I saved my energy because I wanted to run that last mile.  I reached the second mile mark at 22 minutes and 15 seconds.  On the last mile, we ran down a hill onto Riverside Drive, which wanders beside the beautiful, majestic and powerful Mississippi River.  The sun was just hanging over the river on its way down.  It was one of the most exhilarating and wonderful one mile stretches I have ever run!  I kept looking to the side to see as much of the river as I could take in.  At this point in the run, the fear left.  It was the last 1/2 mile.  My time was good for me.  The view, the camaraderie with the other runners, the feeling on the inside of my chest as I realized, I CAN DO THIS, it was worth every penny I spent and every second I used to get there.

The last 1/4 mile was straight up the bluff, a right turn at the top of Beale Street and back to the Gibson Guitar Factory.  I crossed the finish line at 33 minutes and 40 second.  My place card was number 347 female.  The nice guy that ran the last 1/2 mile with me was 507 male.  I’m not sure how many people ran the race, but I’m sure it was over 1000.  So out of at least 1000, I came in around 850th place.

Which for me, was one hell of an accomplishment.

I was soaking wet, I was breathing heavy, but I was done.  I was so full of pride!

I never found my friends after the race, there were just too many people there.  I searched the crowds at the finish line and up on the roof at the after party, but could not find them.  That was OK, though.  I did this for myself and the fact that I was alone the entire time did not matter.

I finished!  I beat the heat!  I am alive, well, and proud!

Fear

I have a new fear. 

It is new because up until last year, I did not have this fear.  My new fear is heat.

I am cold natured.  I am cold more than I am warm.  I hate don’t care for air conditioning.  But if I want to stay married, it is a necessity. I have always enjoyed the hot humid summers of the south.  I have no problem working in the yard in August between the hours of 10 am and 2 pm.  I like to sweat, it makes me warm.

My husband says I am the only person he knows that goes to the beach in the summer and needs a blanket.  Well, Mr. Smarty Pants!  It is not a blanket – it is a beach towel.  And yes, I cover up with it because it gets cold laying on the beach, especially if a light tropical breeze is blowing. 

Up until last year, I did 99% of my running in the late afternoon or evening.  I usually ran when I got home from work, around 6:30 pm.  On weekends I enjoyed mid-afternoon runs, which meant I was in the hot sun, sometimes with temps hovering around 100 and I was loving every minute of it.

There is a point when I am running in that kind of heat that my body will get a sudden chill.  I can feel my skin actually get cold for moment and I get chill bumps.  Sweat drips off my elbows and my clothes get soaking wet.  And I love it!  I feel strong and I have endurance. 

I have an opinion about people who can’t tolerate the heat.  In my parent’s heyday, air conditioning was a luxury item.  Most people lived and worked in the heat and even though they were hot from time to time, they could stand it.  As we as a population have become used to air conditioning, we got soft.  Now we can’t stand the heat that our grandparents lived and worked in every day. 

I know from personal experience that if I sit in AC all day and then go for a run in the heat, it is not as much fun.  My body is used to being cool and groans about getting so hot.  However, if I reduce my AC time during the day, it is not so hard for my body to adapt to the heat on a nice run.

Things changed last year.  All my life I have enjoyed the heat, even the stifling heat most people complain about all summer.  Last year our family experienced an unspeakable tragedy that could be attributed to extreme heat.  I have not been the same since.

Right after the unspeakable event, my husband and I took our 3 young grandchildren on a bike ride to the park, something we do often.  But this time was different.  I was paranoid.  What if they get too hot?  Instead of packing up just a few sippy cups and cookies, I packed several water bottles, washcloths in ice water baggies and baggies of ice.  Once we arrived at the park, I kept interupting their play to wipe them down with ice water wash cloths, which, by the way, they did not appreciate at all. 

On our bike ride back, my fear grew.  Are they too hot in the bike trailers?  We stopped about 5 times on the 15 minutes bike ride so I could wipe them down, give them water they refused to drink and make sure they were OK.  On the last half mile of the bike ride, which takes all of 3 minutes, the fear grew into panic.  I pedaled as hard as I could to get the babies out of the heat, never mind that I was probably overheating ME by doing so.

My new fear was so strong it overtook my desire to run.  I wasn’t so worried about passing out on the side of road during a run, my fear was dropping dead in the midst of a run.  I struggled with this for over 2 weeks and I did not run. I wanted to run, I would put on my shoes and stand in my driveway, but my fear was greater than my determination. 

I thought through my struggle and came up with a solution.  I would just learn how to be a morning runner.  I laid my running clothes out before I went to bed every night.  When I got out of bed, before I had that first cup of coffee, I put on my running clothes.  I allowed myself 2 cups of coffee and 20 minutes to prepare myself.  And then I was out the door.

I usually walk a bit over a mile on my warm ups.  The first half mile was not easy and I just groaned.  By the time I was on the last half mile, I was ready to go!  It took several weeks for my body to adjust to my new schedule, but once I was used to it, it was wonderful.  It still is.

I find that morning runs energize me for the day.  Evening runs always wiped me out.  After an evening run, I usually cleaned up, ate dinner and spent the rest of the evening relaxing as that was all I felt like doing.

Part of my adjustment to morning runs was changing my meal times.  I eat breakfast after I run, but I get hungry for lunch earlier than I used to.  So I changed my lunch time to 11 am.

Morning runs are now my routine. When I am traveling, morning runs are more difficult, so I still get in the occassional evening run while on the road.  Those runs are more difficult for me for several reasons.  While on the road, my nutrition is not always as good as it should be and after spending all day either in the car or sitting in meetings, plus high heels, well, just not good running preparedness.

I’ve been running in the mornings for so long that I have put my fear in the back of mind.  I haven’t thought about it in a long time.  It all came back to me last night.

I am running in a 5K race with friends tomorrow at 7 pm.  Since I have not done an evening run in months, I saved yesterday’s run for the evening.  I stepped out at 6:15 pm.  It was hot.  The temp was in the mid 90’s and it was humid.  I had a bottle of powerade with me, just in case.  I started my 5K route.

At first I had to calm myself and my breathing as I became stressed right at the start.  Yes, it was hot.  My legs felt like someone strapped bricks to my hamstrings, I just felt so stiff.  I felt extremely tired.  I started sweating profusely.  I reminded myself of how much I love running in the heat.  It didn’t work.

I ran just over 8 minutes and stopped to walk for a couple of minutes.  I sipped my powerade.  I walked until I felt my heart rate slow down just a bit.  I started running again.  I could only run 2 minutes at a time.  I was so hot, I was almost hyperventilating and most of all, I was scared shitless.  I was scared of the heat. 

I forced myself to run 2 minutes and walk 2 minutes to finish the 3 mile course.  My final time was 35 minutes.  Geesh.  I don’t beat myself up when I have a less-than-stellar run so I’m over my bad time.  But what do I do with this fear?  I guess I can go the rest of my life and work around it, but I don’t want to be stifled by this. 

I have had to overcome other fears in my lifetime and I’ve done it.  But this one has me paralyzed right now. I have found myself thinking of all the good reasons I could skip the 5K with my friends tomorrow night, but actually the ONLY reason I don’t want to do it is my fear of the heat. 

Why can’t I be like most girls and just be scared of snakes?

 

 

 

Morning Music

Many runners and fitness people enjoy ipods while working out, running, walking, cycling, etc.  I love my ipod, I think it is the most wonderful thing I own, even more wonderful than the Brookstone foot massager that lives under my desk. 

My ipod makes the treadmill and stairmaster more enjoyable, and it helps when I’m walking and stretching.  But I’ve never enjoyed my ipod while running.  I am odd.  We all know I am not built like a runner and it takes tremendous effort on my part to pace myself to finish the race.  I concentrate on my stride rhythm and my breathing.  When I’ve listened to music while running, I find myself unconsciously slowing down with slower songs and speeding up on the fast ones.  I get out of rhythm and it interferes with my ability to finish my course.

I will start out on my warm up walk with my ipod cranked up to my favorite disco music and then remove it when I start running.  I put it back on when I’m finished with my run and walking my cool down laps.  This works well for me.

But for the past several weeks, I’ve left the ipod on the kitchen table.  I head out the door for my run at 6:15 am.  There is already music.  The birds are providing it.  Who needs an ipod when there is beautiful, natural music everywhere? 

How peaceful!  I walk my laps in the cool morning and focus on the songs of the birds.  I take deep breaths and close my eyes and relax while I’m building up my speed.  I find the songbirds to be inspirational and motivational in the quiet of the early mornings.

The birds will stop singing later in the year when the weather turns cold.  When that happens, my ipod will provide my morning music.  Until then, I’ll sing along with the birds.

 

 

 

 

Baggage

This journey has been better than most. 

I decided to get rid of some old baggage.  Baggage is necessary in life.  You can’t really go anywhere without it.  It is your stuff, and you need stuff.  But sometimes we all just have too much baggage or we carry around the wrong baggage thinking we really need it when actually we don’t.

There are people that have too much baggage, they have more than they can handle.  They are attached to their baggage and feel they can’t function on a journey without it.  They lug their baggage along on the journey and expect that other people will help them handle it.  The fact is we all have baggage on the journey, and most of us, like me, only carry what we can handle ourselves.  We don’t assume we can bog down others to help us with all shit we have packed and decided to carry around.

There are people who love their baggage and take every opportunity to unpack it so that others can see what’s in it.  They lay all their shit out with great pride even as they act like they hate the baggage.  There are people who have the opportunity to greatly reduce their baggage, to unpack all the shit somewhere and say good bye to it, but they wouldn’t know how to be who they are without all that shit in their baggage that they carry around.

I’ve had some bad baggage. I don’t like having bad baggage, and I really want to reduce it to a more manageable size.  The second to the last baggage I had seemed to be just right for me.  It had compartments where I could put different things to keep them separated or hidden.  No one likes dirty laundry exposed, and this baggage had a special place for dirty laundry that kept it out of view.  I liked that.  But the good baggage was not solid and as time went on and I packed more shit it in, it broke.  All my shit was out in the open, all my dirty laundry, mixed in with the nice things I had.  Sigh.

I searched for, but could not find, another good piece of baggage for my journeys.  The last baggage I had was solid, but it wasn’t built just right.  I could put all my shit it in, but my dirty laundry was mingled with my good stuff so that if anyone looked in baggage, it was hard to tell my good stuff from my dirty stuff.  The baggage was cumbersome.  I could not connect this baggage to my work baggage that I must carry with me on all my journeys.  The baggage would frequently fall over and if I didn’t have everything tightly zipped up, chances are my shit would be exposed for God and everyone else to see.  I found this baggage hard to carry around.  It would fall over in the most inconvenient places and I found myself on edge with my baggage, wondering when it would fall over next.  It was bulky and hard to lift in and out of the places I needed to put it. 

But it was my baggage and I just sucked it up and got used to it.  When it would tilt or fall over, I’d just pick it up and go on.  I couldn’t mix my work baggage with it, so I went on my journey dragging 2 full baggages behind me.  There was no relief.  I began to dread journeys because the weight and inconvenience of my baggage was just too much.  I wanted to be free of baggage!  But alas, no one is free of baggage. 

The last baggage went on its last journey just 2 weeks ago.  The damage to my baggage was minimal, but I knew it was time to move on.  It was bent and now had a tear and it was only a matter of time before my baggage completely disintegrated on me, likely leaving me in the middle of an important journey with no where to hide my shit.  I put it off until just a few days before my next journey, but I cast off my old baggage and began anew.

Everyone needs baggage on their journeys, so after I was rid of my old baggage, I searched until I found new baggage.  This baggage is lighter, it doesn’t hold as much shit, but honestly, how much shit am I am supposed to keep hauling around?  I should be light and carefree!  My new baggage is working out just fine.  It has a place for me to connect my work baggage so that I’m only pulling one handle behind me. This frees up one hand so that I can carry a cup of coffee or Diet Dr. Pepper while walking through the journey.  It doesn’t turn over and it stands on its own while I go about the business of my life.  It has compartments so that I can keep things separated and deal with my dirty laundry or my good stuff one at a time.  The wheels roll easily so I don’t feel I am dragging the weight of the world behind me.  My lighter, new baggage has made my journey much easier this week.  Who would have thought getting rid of old baggage could be so wonderful?

 

Infrequent Flyers

I’m traveling this week.

I had a busy weekend with family and was rushed on Monday to get my work shit together and get to the airport.  Part of the rush was my incorrect thinking my flight was at 4:30 pm when it was actually at 2:14 pm.  Another part of the rush was the big mexican meal I ate Sunday night that kept me sprinting to the potty all morning while I was trying to pack and get my work shit together.

I don’t care for infrequent flyers.  First, they have no clue what to do at the airport.  They get in the way, try to talk their 6 ounce bottle of expensive shampoo through security and they get so mad when the normal little hassles of travel occur.  Then there are the infrequent flyers who have flown one or two times in the past 5 years and therefore they know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING related to air travel.  I’m not sure which I would kill with my one bullet. 

I find many infrequent flyers to be obnoxious, as that one plane ride 6 years ago made them “experts” in air travel.  They love to share all their ignorance knowledge with everyone within ear shot.  I possess an ipod for this very reason.  I find air travel to be less stressful when I don’t have to listen to idiots blathering on in the already stressful environment of air travel today. 

You’ve seen them.  I know you’ve heard them.  They are the guys/gals sitting at the gate in the airport or at the bar and they are calling everyone they know on their cell phone and each conversation begins with “yeah.  I’m ’bout to get on a plane fer Etlanta. Yeah. I’m flying to Etlanta.”  They can also be identified by the shit they cart around – pillows, teddy bears, all their luggage, blankies, etc.  This is tricky, but sometimes you can pick them out by what they wear.  Clothes that look like pajamas, 4 inch spike heeled shoes, a fleece lined tobaggan in Miami in August, you get the idea. 

Infrequent flyers bog down security lines, they are either in such a hurry they run over everyone to get to their gate 2 hours before their flight, or they are so slow they delay everyone.  They stop in the middle of busy terminals, right in the middle of the corridors and cause others to slam into them or injure themselves trying not to slam into them.  They have luggage they cannot handle alone.  I think every traveler knows you must be able to handle your own luggage as there aren’t friendly sky caps on each plane to assist you in lifting that 75 pound carry on into the overhead bin.  Infrequent flyers do not know this. 

Infrequent flyers get really really mad if a flight is delayed or cancelled.  They love to blame the particular airline they are flying for the personal insult of a cancelled flight.  You’ve heard them, “I’m never flying Delta again, every time it rains in Atlanta they cancel MY flight.”  What infrequent flyers do not realize is that when it rains in Atlanta, they cancel everyone’s flight or greatly delay them all.  Infrequent flyers do not realize that most airlines operate the same way.  There are cancelled flights, weather delays, mechanical problems, lost luggage, etc. 

An infrequent flyer will take one issue on one flight and damn that particular airline.  My favorite is a good friend of mine who says he will never fly AirTran because they are just horrible.  He is basing his “fact” on a story told to him by a friend who was with a group flying from Memphis to Charlotte through Atlanta.  One of the flights was delayed a long time and the group had a long layover in Atlanta and then their luggage was lost.  That one travel experience he “heard” about was enough to convince him that AirTran was the worst airline in the US.  I did laugh at him when he told this story as AirTran is one of my favorite airlines to fly.  I have issues with them, sure, but overall, AirTran is a good airline for a frequent flyer. 

Infrequent flyers will bitch about one airline screwing up all the time, yet if you ask them how many times they have flown, the answer is usually less than 10.  If you ask them what other airlines they have flown other than the offending airline, it is unusual if they have flown any other.  So they base their expert assessment of the airline based on 10 flights with one airline over the course of several years.  And they are SO SMART!

I was lucky enough to get in an unusually long security line behind a group of teenagers. Their parents were sticking with them until the last possible moment to make sure they managed to get through OK.  My thoughts are that if you are sending your kid on a plane somewhere on a school/church trip, let’s hope they can stand in line with everyone else without something going so wrong Mommy and Daddy have to be there to take care of it for them. 

To make my long wait even more unpleasant, there was an infrequent flyer behind me traveling with his little sweetie, who had never flown before.  He was telling EVERYTHING about air travel.  Most of his instructions were of “this is nothing, just wait” variety.  He never explained what might be coming next, but his tone of voice let us all know it would not be much fun.  His little sweetie looked more anxious with each story. 

As I was approaching the table, where I can get my laptop out, shoes off and one-quart zip lock bag of liquids 3 ounces or less into the bin in less than 5 seconds, a mother of a teenager was attempting to argue with the TSA agent about her daughter’s contraband 5 ounce tube of toothpaste.  Mom kept saying “someone told me it the limit was 6 ounces.”  Yeah, that’s a good arguement dimwit. 

It is on billboards, signage, announcements and every travel related website on the face of the planet and in outer space:  3-1-1….3 ounces or less.  1 quart zip lock bag.  1 bag per passengar.  The fact that “someone” told her she could pack 6 ounce containers would have been cause to point and laugh hysterically at the mom, but I was busy getting my stuff through security. 

I was insulted a bit when the TSA agent asked me twice if I had liquids in my travel bag.  My liquids were in their travel-worn zip lock bag, in plain sight on top of my sweater in the bin.  He gave me that condenscending look like I was in the third grade and said “are you sure, ma’am?  Sometimes you girls’s lotions and stuff gets in the bottom of your bag.”

I gave him a go to hell look and smiled, “Yes, I am sure.”  I travel almost every single week.  I have been traveling like this for over 10 years.  I do not appreciate being mistaken for an idiot infrequent flyer who gets their incorrect air travel instructions from “someone.” 

Upon boarding the flight, a little old lady, probably in her late 70’s, was struggling to get her huge carry on down the aisle.  Why do this?  Seriously.  Check your bags people.  It is so convenient and makes the rest of us less likely to want to cuss you out.  Little Old Lady could barely pull her bag down the aisle, there was no way she was going to lift it.  I am a good samaritan of sorts and I usually jump up to assist people who look like they need it.  But I was not inclined to jump up and help Little Old Lady.  She left her bag in the aisle and took her seat.  A flight attendant realized the bag was blocking the aisle and for the sake of an on-time departure, he hoisted it into the overhead. 

Little Old Lady commented to her seat mate, “Oh, so that’s what you’re supposed to do.  You just leave it in the aisle and a nice man will come put it in the bin for you.”

Infrequent flyers do not know the deplaning etiquette and this is where many frequent flyers risk injury.  There is an unspoken order in getting off the plane, but infrequent flyers do not know this, nor are they astute enough to notice what everyone else getting off the plane is doing so they barge down the aisle and will run over you if you get up when it is your turn.  It’s like watching for Mack trucks running redlights.  Here they come!

Infrequent flyers are not going away and neither am I.  Although they annoy me and I wish there were separate security lines for them and special planes they could all ride on together, they do provide me endless laughs and fodder for my blog posts.